Some mental house cleaning

As some of you know, I have suffered from bouts of depression since my pre-teens. I made my first (and only) suicide attempt at the ripe old age of 11 or 12 and I did some semi high risk behaviours in my teens and early twenties to try and just FEEL something. I was so confused about what I was feeling that I didn't feel like I was actually living. So after more than 20 years of suffering, I'm doing something about it. Yes, I'm airing my dirty undies for all to see...I'm only human you know.

I have tried different antidepressants over the years and I've done some counselling half heartedly. I've also done an out patient program that was great while I was in it but I sunk to the bottom again once it was over. I have cut myself, dated the "wrong" men, ignored friends and put myself in harms way to try and get an understanding of who I was and what I was doing on this earth. I may not have all the answers yet but I'm learning.

Because of my depression, I knew that I was a prime candidate for Post Partum Depression. After Nathan, I was depressed but it wasn't too bad. I was more weepy but I got through it on my own. I "learned" how to suck it up and just get on with life. It wasn't the best way of doing things but I managed. After Nicholas, I was a basket case. I cried over everything. I didn't have a sense of myself or my family. I was lost and alone in so many ways.

When I was getting close to my due date for Nolan, I decided that I was NOT going to feel like I did the last two times. I started to make appointments and gather supports BEFORE the meltdowns started. I knew logically that I had to do this myself FOR myself. If I couldn't help me then who else could?

After Nolan was born I was angry with everything. Nothing was right in my world. Nathan and Nic were doing everything to push my buttons, Stephen wasn't helping, I had no one to support me. Well, at least that is how I was feeling. Right or wrong, that is what I felt like. I finally broke down and asked my doctor for antidepressants. I tried to avoid them because I didn't want to put more chemicals into my body but I realized that I wasn't going to get better without them.

As well, I started seeing a counsellor. We've only had a couple of appointments but already I'm seeing some emotional relief or even just a release. I'm not one to ask for help. I'm an only child who was always fairly independent. I did things my way and that was the only way I knew. Again, right or wrong, that is how I managed. I always figured that I could do it myself or someone would see that I was struggling and would come to my rescue. It would obviously entail some mind reading though because I often would put on a facade to not let anyone know how screwed up I was.

I tried to put forward a clean, well put together front so no one could judge me. I didn't need anyone to judge me because I did plenty of that myself. I am my harshest critic. Someone in the past year asked why I allow people around me to be human but cannot allow that of myself. I couldn't answer that. I hold myself in sharp criticism and expect perfection. If I can't be perfect then why even try? It's still something I have to work on.

As it stands right now, I'm on an antidepressant that is doing wonders for me. At first I was very worried. I felt numbed out...I THOUGHT I wasn't crying, I wasn't angry, I wasn't happy, I wasn't anything. Then I realized...I was having normal emotional responses to my life. I have had over 20 years of intense, blinding emotions that a quieter, more normal response was very disconcerting. I started to cry when it was warranted instead of over every comment, commercial, song, TV program, etc. I yelled when the kids were doing something dangerous or overtly against the rules. I laughed when something was funny and not because I was nervous or insecure. It's a whole new reality for me.

I pointed out to Stephen that he met me with depression, he married me with depression, he has worked with me through the good times and bad with depression and now I'm trying to make beneficial changes to myself. He's happy for me that I'm doing this for myself. He knows that if I can work through my issues then it can only benefit us as a couple and us as a family. My children deserve a sane, put together Mommy and that is what I intend to do.