Busy, busy week

What a freaking busy week last week was for me! Holy cracker-doodles! LOL Lots of airport runs and day home kids and out of town visitors and getting sick and baby teething and, and, and! LOL

With 2 day home kids plus all three of mine, we picked Stephen up from his airport commute. My Dad, his partner Karen (I guess I could start calling her my step-mom, they are common law now. LOL) and Karen's brother John were camping close by so they came over for a bar-b-q. Good food, great company...who could ask for anything else?

The next day we took Nathan to an audiologist appointment. Same results, mild hearing loss. Most likely has fluid in there affecting the middle ear so he'll need to see his doctor and get a referral to an ENT to see if we can get tubes or something. Then we went out to the campground to see Dad, Karen and John. John had a guitar and played for a while. Nathan was completely enthralled. John showed Nathan some chords and Nathan sat cheerfully strumming for quite a while. Nic bounced from person to person and dog to dog (Dad and Karen's dogs, Bear and Tuxedo). Nolan smiled and charmed his way through the night.

On Friday we took Stephen to the airport to fly out to his Dad's 70th birthday. Stephen was the surprise guest. His Dad was pretty happy to see him. All in all a success. Saturday involved some shopping then back out to the campground for another feast at the trailer. John played again, Nathan strummed for a little while, dogs were walked, marshmallows were roasted, etc.

Sunday was the only rotten day. I was so weak and sick again. I don't know why it comes on like that but it does. Now at 2:45 Monday morning, I'm feeling a little better. I guess whatever was bothering my tummy has now been expelled. Good thing too since I have to make an airport run to get Stephen from his trip to PoCo. And Tuesday he flies back up to Ft. Mac. Yes, that involves ANOTHER airport run. Man, oh man, my loser cruiser is really putting on the kilometers lately. LOL

I think I'll try to head to bed now since I have a day home client at 7-something and Nathan has to take the bus before 8. *yawn* Nite-nite all!

The Littlest Lee is Growing Up Too Fast

I'm starting to see that Nolan won't be a baby forever anymore. He has had 2 teeth on the bottom for a few months now but he has now cut 4, count them, 4 teeth on the top all at once. There may be 2 more coming up from the bottom too but he's being a turkey and won't let me look anymore.

THEN, today alone, he put himself into a sitting position all by himself, pulled himself into a standing position all by himself and tried crawling on his hands and knees rather than army crawling. I'm stunned! Why did he have to pull this all today? He's a big poop! And of course Stephen has to be away this weekend. He's going to see huge differences on Tuesday even though we last saw him LAST Tuesday.

Nolan has also finally had his 6 month shots. He weighed in at 20 lbs 14 oz and just over 27 inches long. He's a MONSTER! Thank goodness he's a good natured, loving, smiley, no making strange monster! LOL

In Honour of St. Patty's Day

May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
And the rains fall soft upon your fields,
And, until we meet again
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

I caught a little of Regis and Kelly this morning (unintentional, I was channel flipping) and there were 3 priests from Ireland singing this verse. They apparently have a CD called The Priests. I was so moved by them. Maybe it was the sound of their voices (beautiful male operatic voices) or the meaning behind the words (what ever you read into them) but I lost myself in them for the too few moments they were singing.

What if?

What would you have done differently if you knew it was the very last time you'd ever see someone? What would you have said? Would you have changed something?

What if you knew that the last time was coming? What would you have done differently leading up to it? Would you have made the attempt to be there for that last Christmas? Would you have traveled out for that last birthday together? What plans might have gone differently?

Would you have stopped thinking about yourself and just been there...in that moment. Would your perspectives have changed?

What would your conversations have been about? Would you have said all you wanted to say? Apologize for the wrongs? Celebrate the greats? Ask for their advice? A share of their wisdom?

Would you have held them closer? Wiped more of their tears? Would you have held on so tight like you'd never let them go?

What would you change if you only knew then what you know now?

Some mental house cleaning

As some of you know, I have suffered from bouts of depression since my pre-teens. I made my first (and only) suicide attempt at the ripe old age of 11 or 12 and I did some semi high risk behaviours in my teens and early twenties to try and just FEEL something. I was so confused about what I was feeling that I didn't feel like I was actually living. So after more than 20 years of suffering, I'm doing something about it. Yes, I'm airing my dirty undies for all to see...I'm only human you know.

I have tried different antidepressants over the years and I've done some counselling half heartedly. I've also done an out patient program that was great while I was in it but I sunk to the bottom again once it was over. I have cut myself, dated the "wrong" men, ignored friends and put myself in harms way to try and get an understanding of who I was and what I was doing on this earth. I may not have all the answers yet but I'm learning.

Because of my depression, I knew that I was a prime candidate for Post Partum Depression. After Nathan, I was depressed but it wasn't too bad. I was more weepy but I got through it on my own. I "learned" how to suck it up and just get on with life. It wasn't the best way of doing things but I managed. After Nicholas, I was a basket case. I cried over everything. I didn't have a sense of myself or my family. I was lost and alone in so many ways.

When I was getting close to my due date for Nolan, I decided that I was NOT going to feel like I did the last two times. I started to make appointments and gather supports BEFORE the meltdowns started. I knew logically that I had to do this myself FOR myself. If I couldn't help me then who else could?

After Nolan was born I was angry with everything. Nothing was right in my world. Nathan and Nic were doing everything to push my buttons, Stephen wasn't helping, I had no one to support me. Well, at least that is how I was feeling. Right or wrong, that is what I felt like. I finally broke down and asked my doctor for antidepressants. I tried to avoid them because I didn't want to put more chemicals into my body but I realized that I wasn't going to get better without them.

As well, I started seeing a counsellor. We've only had a couple of appointments but already I'm seeing some emotional relief or even just a release. I'm not one to ask for help. I'm an only child who was always fairly independent. I did things my way and that was the only way I knew. Again, right or wrong, that is how I managed. I always figured that I could do it myself or someone would see that I was struggling and would come to my rescue. It would obviously entail some mind reading though because I often would put on a facade to not let anyone know how screwed up I was.

I tried to put forward a clean, well put together front so no one could judge me. I didn't need anyone to judge me because I did plenty of that myself. I am my harshest critic. Someone in the past year asked why I allow people around me to be human but cannot allow that of myself. I couldn't answer that. I hold myself in sharp criticism and expect perfection. If I can't be perfect then why even try? It's still something I have to work on.

As it stands right now, I'm on an antidepressant that is doing wonders for me. At first I was very worried. I felt numbed out...I THOUGHT I wasn't crying, I wasn't angry, I wasn't happy, I wasn't anything. Then I realized...I was having normal emotional responses to my life. I have had over 20 years of intense, blinding emotions that a quieter, more normal response was very disconcerting. I started to cry when it was warranted instead of over every comment, commercial, song, TV program, etc. I yelled when the kids were doing something dangerous or overtly against the rules. I laughed when something was funny and not because I was nervous or insecure. It's a whole new reality for me.

I pointed out to Stephen that he met me with depression, he married me with depression, he has worked with me through the good times and bad with depression and now I'm trying to make beneficial changes to myself. He's happy for me that I'm doing this for myself. He knows that if I can work through my issues then it can only benefit us as a couple and us as a family. My children deserve a sane, put together Mommy and that is what I intend to do.

Holy Smacker-doodle! She's ALIVE!!!!

No, I haven't actually fallen off the face of the earth. Close...but not true! So much has been happening and I haven't found the time (or the creativity) to post.

Of course the big news is that Nolan Mitchell Lee finally arrived. He was born on Sept 5th at 1:01 am. He weighed in at a hefty 10 lbs 9 oz and 22 inches long. He's a pretty good baby...he's finally learning that when he sees that bright light in the sky it is day time and he needs to be awake more. The Darkness is when he's supposed to be sleeping. He's usually eating around midnight then again around 3 or 4 then another feeding around 6 or 7. Not too bad for night time feedings.

Nathan and Nicholas still think Nolan is the cat's pyjamas! Nathan likes to try and tote Nolan around and to feed him. I can't quite convince him to change diapers though. Still working on that one. LOL Nicholas likes to be in close contact with Nolan too. He always wants to hug and kiss Nolan or to hold his hand or foot. I can only hope that the boys all maintain that close contact and actually enjoy growing up together.

Nathan has now turned 7 and has started in Grade One. The original class had 27 students so they split it into 2 classes. Nathan seems to really like his teacher. One of his favourite things is that she has a bracelet with a REAL spider in it. Hey, its a conversation piece! LOL

Nicholas is now 4 and finally coming into his own in respect to socialization. Now that he's a big brother, he talks to anyone and everyone about the baby. Nolan is Nicholas's favourite conversation piece. (Please! Let them still like each other in the coming years! LOL)

Stephen has started a new job AGAIN!!! He is working up in Fort McMurray at Suncor. The schedule is kind of retarded but once he gets into the swing of things (and gets all access to the computer systems he's expected to work with) it won't seem so out of the ordinary. For the time being, he is able to take 3 day weekends so that he can drive home and be with us for a couple of days each week. We're adjusting...it's what we do! LOL

As for me...I'm just hanging about, being me and getting used to being the Mom of 3 highly demanding and strong willed boys. They definitely take after their Father! LOL

Eventually I'll get some photos up of the boys. Just know that I'm still here and lurking about on every one's blogs...Are you all feeling WATCHED now? LOL

Nic's Gall Bladder Surgery

I just realized that I hadn't updated my blog about Nic's surgery! Guess I've been a little distracted. LOL

We went in as per scheduled but the surgery was delayed by about an hour. I guess the ORs can get a little backed up at times. LOL Daddy put on the silly gown and cap and carried Nic into the operating room. They looked at a book while the doctors got busy putting in the IV and sending him off to dream land. Apparently he didn't even fuss when the needle went in so the EMLA cream did it's job.

Stephen and I walked down the hall from the ORs and found my friend Hope looking around for us. She stopped by on her lunch break for a quick hug and a little added support. Stephen and I ended up just wandering aimlessly for a while, nibbled on sandwiches brought from home and tried to be patient.

After the surgery, Nic was in recovery for a while then he was taken upstairs to a post-op observation ward. He stayed nicely passed out for a couple more hours and was still sleeping when the surgeon came around on rounds. Because Nic was still passed out for those rounds, we had to stay the night. I wasn't happy but what can a Mommy do? LOL

When Nic FINALLY woke up, he wanted to eat and drink everything in sight. I had just bought myself a burger from downstairs and he wanted that thing with all of his being. The nurses said he could have ice chips but they didn't go over very well. LOL I snuck him some apple juice and he was a little happier. Then we tried toast and that went down like a dream! So juice, toast and finally part of a muffin ended up being his menu that evening and night.

Once he was awake, he was AWAKE! Like I said, he wanted to eat and drink everything. I had to go down the hall to get his toast and juice and when I came out of the kitchen, there's Nic, standing there with his IV pole! He was bored and didn't want to wait for me to come back. That was it...he wanted to walk everywhere! We toured the 5th floor and our ward, sat and watched some TV, wandered some more, got snacks, wandered some more, watch more TV...and on and on it went.

When the nurses saw that he was drinking, eating, walking and peeing with no complaints, they turned down and finally turned off his IV. He had to keep the IV port in overnight just in case but the IV pole didn't need to be towed along anymore.

Nic's roommate had just had surgery to put a metal rod in his leg so was in a lot of pain and in traction. He was screaming every 2 hours or so, so Nic and I didn't get a lot of sleep. The nurses kept apologizing but it didn't increase my sleep any. LOL

The surgeon's resident and a couple of lackeys came around at 6am and verbally released Nic. We got dressed and waited for the papers to be "filed" in our chart and for the IV to be removed. I knew that it was close to shift change so I tried to be patient. LOL When a student nurse came in to do Nic's vital signs, she almost fell over that we were both dressed and packed to go. She got his release papers and the prescription and took out the IV and the two of us RAN out of the hospital. Neither one of us wanted to be there anymore. LOL

We drove back to Stony Plain, got his painkillers and scooted home. Stephen and Nathan were pretty happy to see us and we just wanted to rest some more. It took a while to get us back on a proper sleep schedule but we're doing better.

He came through the surgery like a champ and healed beautifully. The incisions are really tiny, like the width of my fingernail tiny. He still guards his tummy a little and doesn't want it to be pushed on but he's playing and wrestling and being a boy just like normal. Like anything/anyone in my house is NORMAL! LOL